MARK I JACOBSON: Hi, my name is Mark. I Jacobson and I’m here with my good friend Ariann

ARIANN BLACK: Black.

MARK I JACOBSON: Now, Mark, you’ve had a long career as a writer. And I’ve been performing magic all over the world. I think between the two of us we have definitely heard it all. I remember one day we had a conversation about the stupid things that people say. Oh, yeah, we did. And we realized that there was a whole lot we could talk about because you know what people say, a lot of stupid things do a lot.

ARIANN BLACK: Of stupid things too.

MARK I JACOBSON: Let’s talk about some of them be difficult for a cat. Cats.

ARIANN BLACK: He wanted to sit on me. Can we talk about how stupid cats are sometimes?

MARK I JACOBSON: Yeah. Let’s talk about how stupid are.

ARIANN BLACK: Well, stupid shit that cats do.

MARK I JACOBSON: Yes, we only have, you know, a day or so.

ARIANN BLACK: I, I know. So, you know, I, I mean, everybody complains about their outdoor cat coming in with, you know, whatever it’s caught and, and when I say whatever it’s caught, I’m talking this thing, this thing has brought home mice, rats, snakes, birds of various assortment. We had California quail in my backyard. And, in the springtime they had like eight or 10 little chicks.

ARIANN BLACK: And then the next day, if it was 10 that they had, then it was suddenly eight and then, then the day after that it got down to seven and then, you know, until there was only one chick left. And I’m like, hello, serial killer. I was gonna say, like going after the whole family and feeling pretty good about it.

MARK I JACOBSON: And actually did he bring you any?

ARIANN BLACK: No, no. Those he did not bring me but snake, he like drops it in the middle of the living room and is like, look what I brought home mom. It’s a gift and then he gets mad, he gets mad because I take it outside.

MARK I JACOBSON: Well, he went through a lot of work to get it for you. Yeah.

ARIANN BLACK: Or if it’s dead, I’ve buried it. Right?

ARIANN BLACK: And yeah. Yeah. And, and I know people are like, oh you know, they, they just love you and it’s their way of showing love. No, it’s their way of showing dominance. Look what I did. Look what I did to this. I can do the same thing to you in your sleep.

MARK I JACOBSON: Do not sleep soundly right? Cause I will wake you up at 3 a. m. or I may not even wake you up.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, he has woke me up at 3 a. m. because he’s been sleeping on my face trying to suffocate me.

MARK I JACOBSON: Yes. And, and see, I don’t understand that because, you know, you’re the, literally the hand that feeds him. Yeah. So, yeah, I, ok. Well, you know, I had cats for a long time, 30 years or more.

MARK I JACOBSON: They’re, they’re wonderful, but they do own you.

ARIANN BLACK: Well, we were going to start this podcast earlier. And remember I, I said to you, oh, I see a cat that has been on the roof of my neighbor’s house for a couple of hours now. I need to go rescue it. Why? Because cats can climb up but they can’t freaking climb down.

ARIANN BLACK: You would think that cats would go, oh, I have a problem climbing down. So maybe I shouldn’t climb that high up or I shouldn’t climb up on that. No, no, no. Cats think. Oh, I’ll climb up on that because somebody’s gonna rescue me.

MARK I JACOBSON: That’s right. So what did you do? Did you go over there again?

ARIANN BLACK: I did go and get him. Yeah. And the cat was like, oh, thank you. All right. And then you know, just scampers off. Yeah.

MARK I JACOBSON: Oh yeah, cause that’s what humans are for. See, owners, cat owners are slaves. They don’t realize it.

MARK I JACOBSON: Oh, good. And right now he’s, you know.

ARIANN BLACK: He’s stepping all over me.

MARK I JACOBSON: Yes. It’s like, I’m sorry. Were you doing something? I’ll just walk right in front here.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah. Yep.

MARK I JACOBSON: There, there, there was a great, because I put all these things up on Facebook and once you start putting up one cartoon, they start sending you all of them from all the shelters and everything.

MARK I JACOBSON: But there’s a dog caught talking to a cat and the dog saying, you know what it’s like when you, you do something bad and it bothers you and you really can’t get it together all day because, you know, it was bad and you really feel like you shouldn’t have done it and you wish you hadn’t and you wish you could make it better and the cat was in the No, no.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah.

ARIANN BLACK: Well, so this morning talking about stupid shit that people do. I, I get this news article that comes up on my news feed and, the title was, dog found in ditch shot execution style and, and the dog was found still alive. Not only had it been shot execution style, but somebody had duct taped the dog’s muzzle shut. So I hope they take the duct tape and I hope that they pull DNA off of it. Yeah, and track down the owner.

ARIANN BLACK: So here’s the thing. So, the article came up and this is this infuriates me. The article came up with just the headline and so I clicked on the article and then it’s like, oh, you, you need to pay for this article to read it.

MARK I JACOBSON: Right.

ARIANN BLACK: Right. And so I, I did a Google search to see if the article would come up and it did.

ARIANN BLACK: And so the dog has survived and one of the people that found the dog is actually taking it home and, and caring for it.

ARIANN BLACK: But when I did the Google search, that’s not the only dog that’s been shot in the head execution style. There was like five or six frigging articles about different dogs. And I’m like, what, what the hell is going through a person’s head?

ARIANN BLACK: Like, why wouldn’t you just take the dog to a rescue? Why wouldn’t you say if a friend wants a dog, if you don’t want that dog anymore? What is going through your head of? Oh, I don’t want the dog. I’m just gonna kill it.

MARK I JACOBSON: Yeah, I mean, true. The shelters are kind of full but people will take dogs.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, let’s say, let’s say it’s a bully mix, you know, they, they say that, oh, you know, a lot of bullies don’t get adopted, but there’s a lot of rescues that just specifically take bullies and you can drop it off there. The one that was the article that I was reading about was a golden retriever.

MARK I JACOBSON: Oh, those are like the kindest, sweetest dogs in the planet, right?

ARIANN BLACK: And so, you know, I, I’m like, how stupid and crazy do you have to be, to freaking think of the only conclusion is to shoot the dog in the head and to tape its muzzle shut.

MARK I JACOBSON: These are people who want to torture animals. And my belief is they should get a little bit of the same.

ARIANN BLACK: They should, they really should.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah.

MARK I JACOBSON: I’m, like, hang on, I’m gonna tape your mouth and shoot your foot. How’s that feel?

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I just, you know, and then there was, there was somebody out there that wanted that dog and took it home, even though it’s, you know, had been shot in the head. There was still somebody out there that wanted that dog.

MARK I JACOBSON: Well, the thing about golden retrievers are, they are the sweetest. I mean, you can look at, they’re all over the internet. Little kittens will attack golden retrievers while they’re trying to sleep and the golden retriever will go, ok. Move away. Yeah. Yeah.

ARIANN BLACK: Oh, look at the kitten. He’s attacking me.

MARK I JACOBSON: Yeah, exactly. You know, they’re just sweet dogs. I can’t believe somebody would actually try to do that.

ARIANN BLACK: Yeah. Yeah. So, anyway, that, that’s my big complaint today with stupid people. I, I just, if you have an animal and you don’t want it anymore, take it to a rescue, take it to the pound, take it somewhere. See if a neighbor wants it. You know. Do you remember that? Do you remember that dog that I had? That was really super ugly. The one that was half naked because it had Chinese crusted in it.

ARIANN BLACK: So that was a dog that a neighbor had. That was, you know, he would go away for two weeks and leave the dog freaking outside in 100 and 10 degree weather in Las Vegas with a kiddie pool filled with water which, you know, would evaporate in a couple of days and a bowl filled with food that the ants would just attack.

ARIANN BLACK: It’s outside and there was no real shade for the dog. And so, you know, I, I actually took the dog rescued. It, kept it, remember I put it in my show because it was so, it was so ugly. It was cute. And, and I left a note on the door saying I have your dog and I’m not giving it back.

MARK I JACOBSON: Good. You know, and here’s the, here’s the thing that’s a crime here.

MARK I JACOBSON: I mean, you can actually go to jail.

ARIANN BLACK: I know I could have not you. But no, no, no, I could have filed a report against him because that is a crime. Yeah.

ARIANN BLACK: And you know, like some countries, if you leave a dog in the car in the summertime and the dog has to be rescued, so you don’t get the dog back and you get put on, a list so that your name comes up at the, all the rescues, all the, the shelters so that if you go to get a different dog, they’re not going to give you one.

MARK I JACOBSON: So, hey, thanks for listening to the stupid things people say now it’s your turn to tell us about the stupid things people say and do, except that you switched the parts, I thought, oh, wait a minute, that was you. I’m, I’m me. You’re, you gotta remember that again.

ARIANN BLACK: Stupid shit that people say and do. So I’d like to say, thanks for listening to stupid shit. People say now it’s your turn to tell us about the stupid things people.

MARK I JACOBSON: Say to you. If you have unique and absolutely riveting stories, you get a $10 Amazon gift card. Thank you. And really the card is more important than the thank you. But if you have something to say, text us at 7025091424.

ARIANN BLACK: And don’t forget to keep coming back to our stories. But Mark I got to run. I have stupid shit to do.

MARK I JACOBSON: Well then you do your stupid shit. I’ll do my stupid shit and we’ll talk later. See you. Bye.